desahogo...

2009-04-23T15:01:00.003-05:00

"We stand broken before God, and He does not look past our brokenness. He sees our broken souls and spirits and our hurting hearts. In this physical world, where we often bump meaninglessly into each other, ignoring each other's hurt and pain, God does not do that. He sees." - Tim Baker

Do you ever read to escape reality?

2008-12-06T22:19:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I wished that I lived in a different world, a world half way between something imagined in a children's book, with its predictable plot and happy endings, and that of an exciting, meaningful, adventure filled world of a really good novel. Everything can be fixed within the space of a few pages.

A September highlight

2008-10-02T22:11:00.002-05:00

Yes, simple things amuse me :)

aveces me siento vieja

2008-10-01T22:20:00.000-05:00

I'm not ready to be 24.

I feel rushed, like I haven't done the things I'm supposed to have done, like I'm missing out on something important. Time is so impatient with me. I dig in my heals sometimes, I think. Act quite silly. Perhaps to defy Time in futility. Perhaps intent to prove to myself as much as the world that I am not going to become a withered shell of myself, void of laughter and spark, and full only of heavy toils and worries. Perhaps intent to prove that having fun like a child building a snowman, laughing, being silly, that all these are not synonymous with being irresponsible and immature. To assure myself that when I am old, I do not need to stop being me.

3/4 Nurse Angela and counting

2008-09-09T23:59:00.003-05:00

Today was my LAST first day of school! :P

This is too funny

2008-09-09T23:59:00.002-05:00

Thoughts from Ecuador #3

2008-08-16T14:27:00.002-05:00

So this boy came by to visit me a couple days ago. Well, maybe I shouldn't call him a boy anymore. He's 19 now, but still quite the loud-and-in-your-face clown most of the time. At one point he got all quiet and looked at me with complete seriousness. He said, "Angela, can I tell you something?".
"Of course", I responded.
"Well, you know how I'm kinda annoying and just joke around all the time?
(How could anyone NOT notice, I thought to myself :P – but I nodded at him in reciprocal seriousness).
"Well, I want you to know that when I get a girlfriend I will change. I will take life more seriously and try harder at things. I will".

It seemed so funny to me that he would tell me this, not to mention his logic. I mean, why not change NOW so that you can actually get a nice girlfriend? :P. Why wait?

Then it struck me that we are all so much like this fellow sometimes - we are always waiting on something, and THEN we will change whatever it is we know we need to change. After Christmas I will quit smoking, in the spring I will start jogging, when I'm not so busy I will start going to church, after exams are over I will start having quiet times with God, when I have enough money I will stop working all this overtime and spend time with my family, when I'm done university then I will make more mature choices.....

I wonder if the "something"s we wait on ever end. I wonder if our logic is really as funny as my a little Ecuadorian friend's. I wonder what we are really waiting on?

Thoughts from Ecuador #2

2008-08-14T20:36:00.002-05:00

Thought it time for a funny story :)

So this past weekend my friend, Luke, and I took a trip to Cuenca in the mountains to visit our friend Daniel. It was SO great just being able to share time together - in laughter and in seriousness. But that's not the funny story.

The funny story begins on the bus, on the way back to Guayaquil. A man got on the bus to sell stuff, which is completely normal for Ecuador. He started out talking about God, and then seemingly randomly announced that he has been drinking his urine for 11 years now. Yes, that's right, his pee. Luke and I both looked at each other thinking that in our tired state we must have completely misunderstood him, but no. He continued his shpeel explaining to us that if WE were to drink our own pee, we would be cured of cancer, indigestion, heart problems, osteoperosis, arthritis, even Alzheimers and bad breath! Annnnnd if we were to BATHE in it, we would never go bald! Amazing! Oh, and did you know that if you are fat and drink your pee you will loose weight too? (maybe 'cause you would completely loose your appetite! ugh). He even had articles from sketchy newpapers and magazines to prove his points. The strange man ended by trying to get us to buy ginsing and viagara pills. Totally didn't catch the connection to the 40 min rant about pee drinking, but it was definitely a good laugh afterwards. The scary part was that a lot of the poor little uneducated Ecuadorians were asking him questions about the pee drinking!! - Should I drink it in the morning or in the evening? How much should I drink? "Oh you start at 1/4 cup a day and work up to drinking everything that comes out". Agh. Oh, and be warned, you shouldn't drink alcohol if you are going to drink your pee. BUT, if you DO, then you should mix your pee with orange juice! :D

Hahaha. Oh funny memories.

Thoughts from Ecuador #1

2008-08-12T16:12:00.003-05:00

One thing being here in Ecuador has reminded me of is the lack of permanence in this world. So much has changed - circumstances, neighbourhoods, politics, the church, buses, plans, people, relationships, some things I never thought would change. It´s been hard at times. I guess because I´m just generally not a big fan of change, and I feel like a lot of little perfect memory bubbles I have clung to are deflated now. I tend to hang onto things too tightly. Through all this though, I am reminded again that Jesus is the only permanent, unchangine, unfailing thing that we will ever have in our lives; the ony one whom we can build our life´s foundation on.

I needed the reminding.

The responsibility is our own

2008-07-29T01:09:00.004-05:00

The responsibility is our own, to become who we want to be.

I feel like often times we ignore our character flaws, our hang-ups, our bad decisions or we blame them on anyone and anything other than ourselves. We blame our peers, the media, our parents, our spouse, religion, someone else’s bad decision, lack of encouragement and support in our lives, the educational system, even God - anything that has an influence on our lives. We take no onus for who we have become or who we are becoming. Although outside influences can either make it easier or harder for us to move ourselves in a given direction, the responsibility is still ours no matter what hand of cards life has dealt us or what decisions we have made in the past. Everyday is filled with countless choices to be made, countless opportunities to do the right thing or the wrong thing, countless moments that will shape who you will be tomorrow. We cannot afford to sit back and wait for someone to come along who will push, pull, or drag us in the right direction. Complacency, apathy, laziness, willfully shirking seeing who we really are, avoiding taking the responsibility to change what needs to be changed – we can’t afford these things. Although God will never give up on us no matter how slow-going or unproductive His work in us may seem, neither will He barge into our lives unbidden and force us to change or do all the work for us. We are required to do our part in this ongoing process.

...I am writing all of this to myself as much as to anyone else. Take a good look at who you are. Who do you want to be?....now what are you doing to do about it?

"Every man must decide who he will be, whom he will serve and how he will love."
-Dr. Albert Mohler

Challenging statement

2008-07-27T12:01:00.002-05:00

“Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.”

- Albert Einstein

Me :)

2008-07-23T16:32:00.005-05:00

I think snow is fun
One of the things that I absolutely love to do is just look up at the stars.
I love the sound of rain on the roof.
My least favourite sound in the world is probably my alarm clock :P.
I cry when people yell.
Children captivate me.
I love crunching through leaves
And the way trees look in the fall.
One of the best sounds in the world is laughter…especially when kids laugh, you know, when they REALLY laugh, as hard as they can. It makes my heart light.
I like making snow angels and tubing
I even like skating. Though I spend more time falling down then moving forward.
One of my most favourite things in the ENITRE WORLD are hugs.
I love being with people
Knowing people
Loving people
Making people smile
Hearing someone’s smile over the phone

I wish I could dance
I wish I had more self-confidence.
I am ridiculously gullible.
I’m a bad liar…horrible at playing games like cheat.
I think mangos are yummy.
I love camp fires
And sitting in a van or on a couch with so many people that you are completely and entirely squished.
Sometimes I avoid thinking about things that make my head hurt.
I kind of like the feeling of the sun baking my skin…but only for short intervals.
I like when I am JUST sunburnt enough that it hurts when I scrunch up my nose.
I love getting mail. Real mail. Letters!!
Looking at photos
I’m a slow reader
I care too much about what people think.
I wish I was better at comforting people and knowing what to do or say when people are hurting.
I wish I was more consistent in my relationship with God.
I am envious of people who can say things like “Been to many places on this planet, but there is nothing like coming home to friends and family”. I long for that kind of relational permanence.
I am excited to be a nurse.
My two biggest fears in life are that I will never come to truly love God, and that my life will be completely insignificant and meaningless.

I long to be told that I have worth.
I am terrified of getting married, but want so much to share my life with someone in that way.
I am the queen of procrastination. I find that stressful.
Sometimes I make people laugh…but mostly I think it is because I embarrass myself more than anyone I know.
I love dogs. They are always happy to see you, even if you've only been gone for 5 minutes.
I want to learn how to play guitar.
I love music. Listening to it. Playing it. Singing it (but only when no one can hear me :P)
I can play the piano.
I like to read fiction novels.
I wish I was more articulate when I speak.
I wish I was a better friend.

I am not a morning person.
But I love sunrises. And sun sets too.
I admire honesty.
I wish I was prettier….on the outside, and the inside.
I wish I wasn’t so selfish.
Vanilla is a great smell. So is the smell of pretty much any pie, muffins, or cookies being baked.
I have eaten pumpkin pie on my birthday for as long as I can remember.
My other favourite pie is probably raspberry, or maybe raspberry custard. (really, I like all of them :P)
I tend to talk really fast. And mumble. Especially when I am excited. I'm working on that.
Old people intimidate me because I don’t like that they can’t hear me unless I talk really loud.
I’m not good at hiding my emotions. But I’m getting better. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
I’m tall. I like standing beside big guys and feeling tiny.
I am afraid of a lot of things…some are silly and irrational, like balloons. Others are not so silly.
My friend Bethany Tulloch thinks that I tell the best stories ever.

I love surprises.
Chocolate
My favourite colours are yellow - because it’s happy and reminds me of sunshine, my dog, flowers, and smiley faces - and blue - because it’s just pretty.
I wear a striped rainbow coloured hat all winter. It’s really warm.
I think Spanish sounds beautiful.
My gut reaction when meeting new people is to be shy. I want to be more outgoing. I’m getting better.
I don’t feel like I belong anywhere in this world.
I often feel confused…I am really quite paradoxical.
I’m a horrible speller. Sounding things out in English doesn’t usually work so well.
I am good at remembering people’s birthdays.
I like to write down my thoughts…though I have a lot of trouble with it.
I think we are restricted by words.
I have a bad habit of staying up too late.
I like to draw. I like to make beautiful things.
I call out for that which I refuse.
I am bad at time-management. Everything always takes me twice as long I had estimated it would.
I have a stuffed panda bear named Ping, whom I’ve had since I was like 4. I still sleep with him every night.
My favourite vegetables are turnip, cauliflower, broccoli, and green beans.
Sometimes I don’t know what’s right.
I am aggravatingly ambivalent

I am Angela
I am a work in progress

2008-06-25T10:06:00.000-05:00

These are excerpts from a friend's blog entry written quite a long while ago. Some things have happened lately that made me recall these words and play them over and over in my head.

by Bethany Horne
“Everybody likes to feel that someone believes in them, in their potential to become better people, and their inbuilt goodness. But for those of us who do the believing, at what point does our faith become naïve, deserving of ridicule? How many steps in the wrong direction does a person have to take for it to be foolish to keep cheering for them to win the race? To even make it to the finish line?

Sometimes I ask myself if it is worth it, if it is worth all the heartache. I think of Jesus. How long would he still believe? How long would he believe in the beauty of their futures, in the purity of their souls? To the point of naivety? To the point of deserving ridicule?

But we are all broken, stumbling, looking for missing parts of ourselves, so desperate we will never find anything, so scared nothing more exists. We are all so weak, so easily influenced by false leads, easily manipulated by hints of false affection. Looking forward to the weekend high, the anticipation of that moment of rebellion makes the parents crap easier to bear during the week. The safety of that group that sells their conscience for drugs. Thin scab lines up and down forearms, evidence of shallow surface cuts with a razor blade, almost beautifully arranged in patterns, displayed as grotesque flags to lure in concerned attention. Or pitiful attention. Or any attention. Anything!! We are all messes.

We have no damn clue what Jesus would do. Are they ever going to change? Are they ever going to overcome their own selves? Are they going to survive? There are people who love them. I want to answer YES to all those questions, but I don't know the future. I want to be there for them, no matter how many times they break my heart, no matter how far they descend into their negative habits, their self-destruction. They are not proud of this. They do not love themselves. They are not happy. But they are lost in a maze and making so many wrong turns.

I feel ridiculous. I feel naïve. But I can not give up on them. I have to believe in them, beyond logic, beyond what other people consider rational. "Gang-members, druggies, thieves, prostitutes, good for nothings"…. But what about the liars and cheaters, the vain, selfish, proud, short-tempered, the gossiper, the vengeful?” What about this: I am flawed, I am lost. I am scared, just as scared as they are.

I have to believe they are worth believing in, because I have to believe Jesus still believes in me.”

The end of the school year

2008-05-15T14:59:00.001-05:00

Do you know what I hate most about the end of the school year? I hate sorting through all my notes and projects! If I am honest with myself, I can say about any given assignment that 1) I don’t need it anymore, and 2) it is really boring and dry, and I will probably never look at it again. All it does is take up space. So I arbitrarily pick up an assignment from its somewhat inappropriate and chaotic home on my bedroom floor, I hold it in my hand, I stare at it (for far too long I am sure) and concentrate on being sane and logical and then, as if snapped out of a trance, I quickly throw it out before I can change my mind. Sometimes when I am sorting my school stuff I feel like I am throwing my life away. I mean, some projects take days to finish, essays take hours and hours to write, class notes take months to accumulate – and in less than a minute I can dispose of all (note slight exaggeration) evidence that declares I was actually alive that year, that I worked hard, and that I was not in fact laying in a coma. I find the entire process painful.

It is always a good reminder for me though, that the things we invest the majority of our time in become the heart and soul of our lives in a way. I am not saying that what I learn in school is not important or that the assignments aren’t necessary, I am just saying that in the end, what we invest our time in is not a trivial matter. I want my life to be invested in something that is meaningful and lasting and can’t be put in the recycling box by a half crazed university student who is getting ready to move.

Did I mention that I am thrilled to be done school for the summer?! :P

Sometimes life sucks.....a lot :'(

2008-05-09T10:46:00.003-05:00

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.” - Washington Irving

I am much too complicated

2008-04-03T16:19:00.003-05:00

I like as much as any girl does to hear that she looks nice, but I figured out why it sometimes makes me so upset when people emphatically tell me that I look good (when never said on a ‘normal’ day) or that I look “so much better!” when I’m wearing very dressy clothes, makeup, and have spent a lot of time on my hair and appearance in general. I know that people are just trying to give me a nice compliment, and what they are saying is probably true, at least if they are gauging beauty by society’s standards. But it makes me upset because the times when I am dressed like that, I feel LEAST like ME! So all the comments and the fact that some people only talk to me or acknowledge my existence when I’m all done up, make me feel like everyone would gladly take some fake impostor over the real me, that people would like me more if I was someone else, and that who I am is not attractive enough. Maybe it just upsets me because it points out one of my many unwanted insecurities. Maybe it upsets me because I know I shouldn’t care about what other people think yet I find I often do, and because I wish I could just take the compliments as simply compliments, instead of going home feeling pressured to look like a magazine add every day and not just for random special occasions.

See what I mean? ….I’m far too complicated.

Things break....

2008-01-19T12:11:00.001-05:00

The heart is capable of depth beyond all words, beyond reason, beyond measure, even beyond imagination. Yet without its layers of armour and defences it is such a fragile thing.

2008-01-18T17:58:00.001-05:00

“Words are weak instruments of love. They can do many things, but they do not carry the truth like your hands do. People need to be shown, not told.” - Ted Dekker

I am beginning to have a great appreciation for words

2008-01-18T03:24:00.000-05:00

In highschool, I hated words. I hated Enlgish, writing essays and all that. I liked math, with its black and white answers, and methods to follow. There were no opinions. There was no grey area. There was no guessing. There were no long hours spent pondering how to convert some faint wisp of a thought into words.
But now...
I am beginning to realize their beauty, and the power they can hold.

But words require action to become believable. Without action they loose meaning. And words spoken without meaning are hurtful.

People are NOT a waste of time

2008-01-12T01:43:00.000-05:00

I read something today that made me feel kinda angry. About if you are ready for marriage and you are friends with someone of the opposite sex that you do not plan on marrying you are wasting your time. It was in a Christian article. Gah! How can anyone say that FRIENDSHIP, that investing in someone’s life, that spending time with someone, that getting to know someone, that sharing your life with someone, that loving someone as a friend, is a WASTE OF TIME!?!? I mean, I understand articles cautioning against a girl and guy spending too much time hanging out alone together. But this? Since when did the life of a young adult become a sole-purpose-mission to find someone to marry? At what point did it become ok for things to be completely and entirely about us and our own agendas? Are we so selfish that if we don’t get, as the article labels it, “the benefit of marriage”, as a result of the friendship, it becomes a waste of time?!?!

Bah.

I guess I am feeling angry because I love my friends a lot, and I would NEVER want any of them to think they are a waste of time – to me, or to anybody else. And honestly, the article scared me a bit too…the thought that I could be someone else’s waste of time…

2008

2008-01-03T09:36:00.000-05:00

"And now let us welcome the new year, full of things that have never been." ~Rilke

Ouch!

2007-12-12T12:47:00.000-05:00

Angela 0, metal basebaord heater 1.

Moral of the story: When running to the bathroom, run in the middle of the hallway, as far away as possible from the wall.

I worry myself sometimes :P

2007-11-16T15:21:00.000-05:00

So today I went to McDonalds with one of my housemates and bought one of those new Caramilk McFlurries. As we were walking home through a parking lot, we passed two police officers parked in their respective vehicles, windows rolled down, having a conversation with eachother. I had the sudden urge to go over to them and cheerfully ask them if they wanted to try my McFlurry. What can I say, it was really good!
Now do you see why I worry myself? I mean, can you imagine all of the things I would do if there was no filter between my thoughts and my actions!?!

haha :P

2007-10-21T23:05:00.001-05:00

Why is it that some days you just feel like you are going to fall apart? Like someone has an electric egg beater turned on inside your chest and your stomach set on the spin cycle in an invisible washing machine.

I watched 15 episodes on my day off… ak!

2007-05-30T23:33:00.000-05:00

Hi my name is Angela. I’m addicted to Prison Break.

Packing makes me feel sad.

2007-04-30T23:02:00.000-05:00

I moved back home for the summer.

It’s strange, but even if I am looking forward to leaving the place I am at, packing still makes me feel sad. Maybe it is the realization (or fear) that some things will never be the same again, that all of the moments in that place are gone forever, that certain things are ending, that I must keep moving forward. (I know, I am so melodramatic). And I mean, I know that where I was at (in reference to location, as well as life in general) is not where I want to be forever. But even so, this time around, a large part of me didn’t actually want to leave.

I cried when I was taking the posters off my wall. Somehow things like endings and goodbyes seem to reverberate off the bare surfaces. I will miss my cute, little, yellow room. It was my home for the year. My safe space. A constant. And the place to which my mind tied many good memories.

Today, I wandered around all day feeling kinda lost, not really knowing what was wrong, but feeling that knot in the pit of my stomach nonetheless. The knot you feel when something you can’t quite pin point is off. I suppose it is because everything is different – my room, the house, my routine, my “schedule” of life, the things I look forward to, the people that I see. I feel out of place, and am missing certain people already.

I know I’ll start to settle in in a couple days, but change is hard. It requires an incredible amount of energy. It always has. I guess this time, because I am sick and still running on empty after having struggled through the past couple of crazy weeks, I have none to spare, and so adaptation is coming notably slower than normal.

Tomorrow I start working at the nursing home.

Why do girls giggle?

2007-04-25T13:22:00.000-05:00

Ha. Good question! :)

Hmm...but somehow I don’t think the answer will be well liked because, at least personally speaking, there are a lot of reasons.

I giggle when I’m...

1) happy
2) excited
3) embarrassed
4) feeling silly
5) when I think something is funny
6) when I want to convey to someone that I am completely content to be spending time with them
7) if I’m feeling nervous or uncomfortable
8) or just generally have no idea how to respond
9) OR... any combination of the above :)

Yeah, I know, some days/weeks that pretty much = all the time haha...just in case you hadn’t noticed already :P

Done and done!

2007-04-23T13:19:00.000-05:00

me = officially 1/2 nurse Angela :P

Why?

2007-04-18T00:59:00.000-05:00

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I let myself get so stressed out and frazzled over school? Why do I deprive myself of sleep in order to study more, to the point of getting sick? Why do I put so much effort into this? Why does it matter so much to me if I get a 65% or a 95%? In all honesty, is it really THAT important? No!!!

Sigh. I wonder how different my life would be if I put the same amount of time and effort and weight on other things, things that truly carry a much greater importance.

I like the truth of this quotation.

2007-04-11T01:14:00.000-05:00

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” – Plato

Victory

2007-04-09T23:13:00.000-05:00

“Love crucified, arose
And the grave became a place of hope
For the heart that sin and sorrow broke
Is beating once again”
- Love Crucified Arose, by Michael Card

It would be easy to despair, when you look at this world. So much hate. So much war. So much death. So much sickness. So much hunger.…So much needless pain and suffering. But to know that the most undeserved death, the most innocent suffering, was overcome… I donno, but I think sometimes we forget that Jesus is alive. I mean we remember he lived, and died on a cross, but I think sometimes we forget that HE IS ALIVE. Today.
At least I do.

2007-04-07T02:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, when I actually stop and think about it, when I let my mind erase the pretty, Mona Lisa Jesus and paint a new portrait, a portrait of a Jesus with dust on his feet and sweat on his brow, a Jesus who climbs to the top of a great hill, heart thumping, breathing heavily, a Jesus whose hands are calloused and strong, a Jesus who gets hungry and thirsty, a Jesus whose beard catches the crumbs from his dinner, a Jesus who sleeps, a Jesus who feels emotions deep within his chest, a Jesus with laugh lines in the corners of his eyes... a REAL Jesus. When I try to imagine this Jesus...it hits me hard...

“Amazing love, how can it be? That you my king would die for me...”

I vote spring break be 2 weeks long

2007-03-04T17:32:00.000-05:00

The highlight of spring break was probably rock climbing with my brother and his friends. I would also like to state, in relation to that event, that I am of the opinion that all tanks of Helium in the backseats of cars be labeled: “Guaranteed road trip fun” :P .

And now, the shadow of school looms overhead once again. For the record, I’m not ready to go back yet... to school... or anything else resembling reality :(

Learning disability...?

2007-03-01T23:03:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I sang these lines by Third Day: //please take from me my life when I don’t have the strength to give it away to You//, Jesus. That was my prayer. Yet I find myself sitting here today, so angry with God. Am I so fickle? I am like a three year old girl having a temper tantrum because things aren’t going her way, or like the little kid who clings obstinately to the edge of the baby blanket he knows he can’t take to school with him. How many times do I have to learn this lesson!?!!! I suppose the answer is a logical one…”until I actually get it”! But oh how I hate these situations which bring about the painful realization that Jesus is the only thing, the only one, in this entire world who we can depend on, the only one who won’t change, who won’t leave, who won’t lie, who won’t hurt us, who will love us unconditionally. Jesus is the ONLY one in whom we can confidently place our trust, the only one worthy of it. Everyone else, everything else, will only let us down.

Somehow I just can’t reconcile this fact with life.

Weeeeeeeee!!!

2007-02-23T02:36:00.000-05:00

I finished my essay! I finished my essay! And it is only 2:36 in the morning. I am just so happy (more like hyper) that I had to share this insignificant piece of news with you all since everyone in my house is sleeping and cannot partake in this joyous occasion. (and yes, now that I am no longer the only person questioning my sanity I shall bid you goodnight)

I’M ON VACATION!!!! :D

I feel like a chicken with its head cut off

2007-02-22T18:04:00.000-05:00

In the past 7 days, I have done:
- 1 test
- a clinical evaluation
- 1 group presentation
- 2 essays
- and 3 exams!
WHILE, still having classes to go to, normal homework to complete, duties as a small-group youth leader to fulfill, AND a bunch of other things that I am too tired to mention. AH!

I have one more essay that I have to write tonight, 40% of my ethical reasoning course. But my brain has said “That’s it! Do you realize how much work I have done for you in the past week!?! How little sleep I have gotten in return!?! Well, no more! I’ve had enough. I’m done. I quit!”, and then it up and left. Whimper.

How I am looking forward to reading week.

Valentines Day + 1

2007-02-15T00:56:00.000-05:00

“What am I to you? / Tell me darlin’ true / To me you are the sea / Vast as you can be / And deep the shade of blue /
When you're feeling low / To whom else do you go? / See I cry if you hurt / I'd give you my last shirt / Because I love you so /
If my sky should fall / Would you even call? / Opened up my heart / I never want to part / I'm giving you the ball /
When I look in your eyes / I can feel the butterflies / Could you find a love in me? / Would you carve me in a tree? / Don't fill my heart with lies /

...tell me darlin' true / What am I to you?”

- Norah Jones, "What am I to you?"

February the 14th

2007-02-14T14:24:00.000-05:00

I have never been one of those girls that HATED Valentines Day, but neither have I ever really loved it. Growing up I used to feel badly for my mom, seeing my father’s lack of effort in doing something special for her. So I would try and get my brothers in on a small plot to try and make her feel special. She was always grateful, but inside I still felt a profound sadness. There are too many people that go through the day, silence echoing louder than normal in the spaces where love should be found.

I am definitely not big on the whole consumer driven approach that our society advertises, which almost seems to convey that love must be (or can be) purchased. But beneath it all, the underlying purpose of Valentine’s Day remains: it is an open and very BLUNT invitation to show someone you care about that you love them.

...Oh wondrous affair that should be.

Apologies

2007-02-12T16:32:00.000-05:00

For those who have actually returned to read my blog, I apologize once again for my distinct lack of posting.

I have been continuing in my unsurvivably busy life, trying very hard to find... something, to be someone, only to dishearteningly find myself grasping at sparkles dancing on the water’s surface, chasing a bubbling stream.

(and no, I don’t care if I just made up a word)

Sometimes I wish I could cry.

2006-12-05T01:47:00.000-05:00

There are times, like tonight, when I want to cry, need to cry, but I just...can’t.

I feel like the pressure release valve on my heart is broken.

Little blessings

2006-12-03T19:18:00.000-05:00

We sang Christmas carols in church this morning. The sermon was on hope. And, at the moment, it's SNOWING!!! :D

Lack of posting...

2006-11-29T00:29:00.000-05:00

...do you ever wish the world would stop, just for a moment, so you could catch your breath?

Sigh. I shouldn’t go this long without writing, without forcing myself to concentrate long enough on the scattered thoughts that clutter my mind to put words to them. I need this catharsis to feel sane.

And the worst part is that much of my busyness is self-inflicted. When I slow down, I feel like the sky is going to come crashing down around me. So I don’t give myself any time to just be. Alone. In the quiet. With my thoughts. My own company drives me insane. But things that are ignored do not go away, and so my disjointed thoughts have continued accumulating into a swirling chaos which sleeplessly struggles to claw its way out of my head to freedom.

I can’t even make out where one thought begins and another ends anymore.

So much joy from the little things

2006-11-01T23:15:00.001-05:00

Have you ever gone through a bad day or even just a blah day, and then something really little, like someone saying hi to you, or a one-sentence e-mail, totally makes you smile. It’s kinda funny how such little things make such a big difference sometimes. Very cool too.

No fluff, and something to think about....

2006-10-21T12:02:00.000-05:00

So I was cleaning my room again (yes, it is exam time. How can you tell? :P) and found some notes from a sermon I heard in March. It was on love: on God's love for us, and on loving other people.

The pastor said that people often say they aren't good at loving others because they had a horrible childhood, grew up in a dysfunctional family, have never been shown love, have never learned how to love. As he was saying these things, I was thinking in my head, "yes, those are really good reasons". And I was thinking how I have related to some of that. Then He said those are excuses. He said if you do not love other people, you do not know God.

Uf.

That is a powerful statement.

2006-10-20T22:09:00.000-05:00

I hate secrets. They weigh so much.

Funniness

2006-10-14T00:59:00.000-05:00

“Blimp”. Isn’t that just about the funniest word you’ve ever heard?!? “Blimp”. Haha, you should say it out loud. Do it :) Right now. It will make you laugh (and who ever can hear you saying “blimp” to yourself will probably laugh too). “Blimp”. Haha. Oh dear. I think it’s past my bedtime.

Are we happy plastic people?

2006-10-05T22:25:00.000-05:00

Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today
feelin’ so small?
'Cause when I take a look around

everybody seems so strong.
I know they’ll soon discover

that I don’t belong.
*
So I tuck it all away,
like everything’s okay.
If I make them all believe it,
maybe I’ll believe it too.
So with a painted grin,
I play the part again
So everyone will see me
the way that I see them.
*

(chorus)
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples?
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain?
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken,
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade.
*
Is there anyone who’s been there?
Are there any hands to raise?
Am I the only one who’s traded in
the altar for a stage?
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart.
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart.
*
But would it set me free,
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be?
Would your arms be open?
Or would you walk away?
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay?

(chorus)

- "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns

The overflow of disorganized thoughts: part 2 cont'd

2006-09-30T09:49:00.000-05:00

I have a lot of trouble accepting God’s grace.

I know that I am entirely unworthy of God’s love. I mean, I know everyone is. I just feel like I am TOO unworthy, as if there is a degree of unworthiness that is the cut-off point for God’s love and forgiveness. I know there isn’t. I’m just saying, that’s how I feel. Like I’ve crossed some line.

It is so hard for me to even begin to fathom that Jesus actually loves me, would sacrifice so much for me, that *I* would be worth anything at all to Him. And I feel like God’s love can’t possibly be free. I feel like if I accept it, I owe Him. Like I am in debt to Him, like I need to EARN my forgiveness. And the way to do this is to never sin again, or very minimally. And I can’t. (Yet as obvious as that fact is, I think it comes as a surprise to me).

When I made the decision a few years ago to ask God into my heart, I think I expected things to become easier. I think I expected life to somehow become all rosy, and for God to somewhat instantaneously make me a “good person” with all my stuff together, at least most of the time. I think I subconsciously thought I could begin repaying God - by following a set of rules, by using some step-by-step this-is-how-to-live-your-life formula, with will-power and self-discipline, with a set of behaviours. I WANTED to do this for God, I wanted Him to be happy with me, and I wanted to earn forgiveness and love. But honestly, I am still struggling with the same things...REALLY struggling with some things. And I am still selfish. I still suck at loving other people. Life is still difficult. And though I want to and try so hard to live differently and to BE different than I was, I CONTINUALLY and CONSISTANTLY fail at my moral efforts. It doesn’t matter how hard I try. I suck. Period. End of story. And I ask God for help, I ask God to change me, and yet He mostly seems far away. So logically, I conclude that the problem is with me, and my stubborn refusal to actually accept His grace and give my life over to Him. There is a difference between asking God to give me this and that in order for me to live my life how I think I should live (no matter how noble my ideals) and me accepting grace and giving God my life in order for Him to use it how He wants.

And sometimes I think about things so backwards and I feel like if I accept anything freely from God I will somehow send Jesus to the cross all over again. I need to remember that He was ALREADY crucified there, and that by refusing to accept God’s grace I am almost making Jesus' sacrifice pointless. I just, well I feel so GUILTY sometimes. I don’t know about you, but I don't want to picture Jesus on the cross with MY sin upon his shoulders. It's too uncomfortable. So if I don’t accept His forgiveness, it becomes Jesus dying on the cross with OTHER PEOPLE’S sin on His shoulders. And I don’t feel as responsible. I don’t feel so much like it was because of me. I don’t feel so much like I need to repay God or earn anything. But there is some small, almost inaudible, voice in me that simply refuses to die, and I can’t deny completely that Jesus died for ME too. And so I go back to feeling guilt and shame over my hopeless inability to deserve any of what is freely offered to me. And I feel like I am constantly failing God. And I end up trying to hide from Him instead.

Sigh.

But I’m stubborn. I realize all of this, and yet I STILL continue refusing grace, refusing love. My mind somehow cannot communicate all of this to my heart.

Sometimes I wonder at how far life drills into our hearts that NOTHING is free, that even love is a commodity that comes with a price. And grace? Well, isn’t part of the very meaning of grace that it is UNDESERVED? That it CAN’T be earned

Beauty in the broken...

2006-09-22T00:33:00.000-05:00

“You say, strength is found in weakness
Peace in incompleteness
...So why do I hold on?

You look for a heart that's open
For beauty in the broken
...So why am I withdrawn?”

- Starfield

Sometimes...

2006-08-15T00:43:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wish I said the things I don’t;
Sometimes I wish we all would.
Sometimes I wish I could see everything through different eyes,
eyes that aren’t peering through a fog of selfishness, fear, and insecurities.
Sometimes I don’t know what to do.
Sometimes I don’t even know what I am hoping for.
Sometimes I don’t know what is right.

Mmm...

2006-08-05T20:47:00.000-05:00

It is so sweet to look forward to something.

Y hay más lagrimas

2006-08-01T00:20:00.000-05:00

Sigo cayendo......

Home

2006-07-23T17:31:00.000-05:00

What do you think of when you hear the word home? What is the very first place that comes to your mind?

I’ve been thinking lately, about what home means. Wondering what makes home home, if that makes sense. Wondering if home is where you were born, or where you grew up, or where you lived the longest, or wherever your family is living, or wherever you are living now. Is home “where your heart is”?

By the definition of most, I am home at the moment, back with my family for the summer. Yet I feel homesick. I have this constant ache to just “go home”. I feel more homesick now that I’m home then I did when I was away. It’s weird. And so I can’t even tell you WHERE it is that I want to go home to.

Sigh.

Maybe home is more of a feeling than a place. A feeling I’ve been missing for a long time...

Or maybe it is a place...
Last summer, I was having a conversation about a little of this with a friend who’s alcoholic father is abusive and who’s family life is rough to say the least. I asked him what he thinks of when he thinks of home. Without a pause, he said “heaven”. I just stared at him. He smiled at me and repeated his answer...”I think of heaven”.

....

“Remind us that we have not reached home. Lord, remind us that we have not reached home....”
- Downhere

:(

2006-07-11T22:26:00.000-05:00

We are taking our dog to the vet tomorrow. She is very old, and sick, and has lain in one spot for pretty much 3 days without moving... :S

Frustrated with shallow

2006-07-01T21:24:00.000-05:00

Last weekend was good. I had a couple of much needed days off work, so I took a mini-vacation and went to hang out with some people I really like. Went swimming, laughed, relaxed some, sat around a campfire, looked at the stars…and took a bit of time just to BE, and to think.

I’m frustrated with my inability to magically manipulate time, my inability to add more hours to the day, or just not sleep. Silly, I know. I guess the thing that is actually bothering me is that I’ve been feeling really superficial lately. So shallow. Selfish.

That’s probably what I hate most about being so busy for an extended period of time…no time/energy to think about anything beyond the extremely superficial, no time/energy to sort through crap in my head...and in my heart, no time/energy for people, for God, for relationships...for things that matter A LOT.

A short and very tardy update

2006-06-26T20:29:00.000-05:00

work = life = really NOT cool no matter how much money you need to make before the end of the summer

.

2006-05-15T00:22:00.000-05:00

Defn: Decidophobia - n., fear of making decisions

2006-05-09T22:13:00.001-05:00

Today I got offered 2 jobs. And then I wandered around my house bighting my fingernails and wishing I had only been offered ONE job. I know! You’d think by the way I am acting that being offered two jobs was suddenly a bad thing, rather than a good thing.

It’s just that I REALLY don’t like making decisions. I don’t like choosing between X and Y when it is impossible to know what the outcome of either X or Y will be. And I think it all boils down to the fact that I don’t like taking responsibility for how things turn out in the end, especially if they don’t turn out the way I had thought they would. Because somewhere in my twisted mind responsabilty translates into blame and not liking myself. If decisions are made FOR me, I can’t blame myself for anything. Other people can’t blame me for anything. If decisions are made for me, it is somehow easier to deal with whatever the outcome is – even if it is bad. I just take it as it comes and make the best of it. It is easier because it no longer carries the weight of being MY fault, of ME being stupid, of ME not listening to God, of ME being a screw up, of ME disappointing someone, of “if only __ 's”.

Oh goodness. The fact that THIS is even causing me stress is RETARDED!!!!

Man, why am I such a dork?!! I hate my shallowness.

Somebody gave me a hug today.

2006-04-23T02:48:00.000-05:00

Hugs...they are ALWAYS welcomed, often needed, though rarely asked for.

ugh....

2006-04-20T22:58:00.000-05:00

Exams. Only 3 more to go.

Easter

2006-04-17T00:53:00.000-05:00

This morning I woke up early and drove out into the country to see the sun rise.

"How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only son, to make a wretch His treasure..."

I think it's a good thing...

2006-04-15T23:01:00.000-05:00

You know what? I think it’s a good thing that I haven’t been doing well this year. I think it’s a good thing that I am so incredibly lost without God. That simply knowing about Him isn’t enough. I mean, in all seriousness, if I could fool myself into believing that simply knowing about God was enough, that I didn’t actually need HIM, or that I could somehow be content without Him, I don’t think I would ever want so much to find Him. I don’t think I would long for Him…long to know Him...

"Contigo es así

Si no estás entonces no tiene sentido vivir"

- La banda de Edgar Lira

The overflow of disorganized thoughts: part 2

2006-04-15T00:07:00.000-05:00

I have a lot of trouble accepting God's grace.

Sigh...I have been staring at my computer for like 1/2 an hour, trying to seperate my tangled thoughts into something that makes sense. I am giving up for tonight. It's hurting my head.

There is a lot more I need to write about this. I just can't do it right now.

The overflow of disorganized thoughts: part 1

2006-04-12T23:38:00.000-05:00

Something that Tim Baily said in a sermon the other week just hit me. About "opting in vs opting out" of salvation. I always thought of it as opting in, you know, by repenting and asking God to forgive me I was opting into salvation. But it isn't something we opt into. It's something we opt out of. Jesus died. On the cross. For you. For me. He has already paid for our sins. I didn't get it before. I didn't get that He has ALREADY paid for our sins. Our asking for forgiveness, our accepting God's grace, doesn't send Jesus to the cross to pay for our sins. He already went! It's an unchangeable fact. JESUS ALREADY DIED ON THE CROSS FOR MY SINS SO THAT I COULD KNOW THE LORD, SO THAT I COULD KNOW MY SAVIOUR, AND SPEND FOREVER WITH HIM. I didn't get it. It's already done! It's finished! JESUS ALREADY PAID THE PRICE FOR MY SINS!! By refusing God's grace I am opting out of this forgiveness. I am refusing something already paid for.

Someone make me afraid of what I have become

2006-04-10T01:30:00.000-05:00

I cleaned my room today (I often clean my room when I have a lot of homework or studying to do. Anything to avoid actually doing it :P) and I stumbled across my old journal…from three years ago now I guess - my last couple years of high school. Man, as I was reading it, I felt like I was reading someone else’s life, and not mine. So much has happened since then. So much has changed. I have changed. And not all of it for the good, especially lately. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore...like I'm not myself, and haven't been myself for a long time...

Once upon a time there was a girl who scribbled into a journal:

“I want to do something that matters
All they ask of me is
Get good grades
Be nice to your brothers
Don’t do drugs
Just be yourself
It’s not enough
I want something harder, deeper
I want something to fight and die for
I want to live at the end of myself for what really matters”

And she knew what that something was...

That journal, it was written by a girl who KNEW, with all her heart, WHOSE she was. A girl who wanted to make a difference in this world for good, who wanted to learn to love people, and desperately wanted to live for something bigger than herself. A girl longing to know God, to seek Him, to follow Him, to do what He required….and to LOVE Him. To love God.

Once upon a time, there was a girl consumed and driven by desperate longing for God.

…What happened to that girl? Where did she go? How did everything get to be so messed up? Oh…tell me how to find her again.

Someone make me afriad of what I have become.

One of my favourite things in the entire world....

2006-04-09T01:56:00.000-05:00

You know what? I LOVE listening to guys play acoustic guitar and sing - like at a campfire, or in someones livingroom. I could most contentedly listen to that wonderful sound forever.

(ok, so "forever" is a bit of an exaggeration...but definitely for "a very long time"! :P)

Rainy day

2006-04-07T20:20:00.000-05:00

Yay for cute, little, yellow umbrellas :)

My "big drugie housemates"

2006-04-05T01:01:00.000-05:00

I complain about my housemates sometimes, especially when I am tired or stressed out about school...which, confessingly, has been A LOT lately. I tell other people how they have big parties and drink a lot and do drugs and throw up in pots and make tuns of noise until they pass out. I say to other people that they are "big drugies". I say this in a disapproving tone and crinkle my nose. But, I really don’t hate my housemates. Actually, despite the fact that they drive me to tears sometimes, the longer we live together the more I sincerely like most of them as people. I wondered today though, if I come across as thinking that I am somehow “better” than my "drugie housemates". I wondered if I SOUND like I hate them. And what if the people I am complaining to secretly do drugs themselves? Or did drugs? Or are into the party scene? Or are struggling with something else? What if the people I complain to will never be able to share things about themselves because they think I will stop liking them? Or they get to generalizing that all Christian people are like me and they feel judged right from the start? And what if my housemates could hear me? Would I say different things?

I am not going to complain about my housemates anymore.

2006-03-30T21:18:00.001-05:00

Today, I gave my first injection to a real person. Momentous!! :P

I call out for that which I refuse

2006-03-23T13:59:00.000-05:00

What is in me that blocks the truth from touching my heart? What stone, what concrete, resides in my soul?

I feel so incredibly alone. Yet, somehow, I know that God is there, sitting beside me, waiting for me. He has been sitting there all along, incessantly calling my name and whispering of His great love for me. I tried to hide myself. I yelled for Him to leave me alone. How I despise Him sometimes. Not so much for His persistent yet unrequited love, but because of WHO He loves, for loving ME!, this wretched, unlovable spec of a thing.

I feel nothing but guilt, shame, fear, loneliness. Pain. Yet my pain is so little. It is based on what? It means nothing. It is nothing. And even that I do not feel some days. In an attempt to protect my broken and bleeding heart, the concrete engulfs me, numbing the pain by burying it deep below the surface, hiding it from sight. Yet this cold relief is unwanted. I long to feel. I NEED to feel, to know that I am alive. And I know the state my heart is in...small, shrivelled, yet still beating, almost frantically. I can see myself trying desperately to hold its pieces together. But with every beat I can feel it falling apart between my finger tips, beneath the concrete that would form its very tomb. I do not know what to do. I have no more hands with which to hold it. And I am tired. So very tired.

I lift my eyes for a moment and see God still waiting there, always waiting.

I was His once, wasn’t I? And He was mine. He was everything. Before, before all of this happened. But somehow a wall got in between us, some invisible wall of a different kind of concrete, a clear concrete. I try half-heartedly to knock it down, but I know my heart is not in it, and I am not sure why. So He is there, waiting for me. And I am here, dieing quietly, sitting here, alone

When will this end? I am so tired of this! So tired of myself! Somehow I know this is all my doing, these walls. Help me, Lord. Take this cursed concrete from between us, and break the stone which surrounds my soul. Give me Your hand. Please. Lord? Can You hear me? Please, just give me Your hand.

But wait. You already have. You gave me both hands. Pierced and bloody. You gave Your very self for me, so that I might live. Your body, beaten and bruised. Have I forgotten that now? Have I blocked those images from my mind? Where have they gone? They used to sear my brain, break my heart, rip my soul. But now they have become mere paint splashed on cardboard, a picture on a wall, an uneasy weight in my heart. Oh Lord, forgive me! Forgive me for building these walls, for half-closing my eyes, lifting my hand so as not to see You there. You called to me, but I pretended not to hear You. I plugged my ears and screamed my own lies every time You tried to tell me “I love you”, and I wept when I felt unloved. I danced and I ran as You tried to hold me. I pushed You away, and then cried myself to sleep when I missed Your arms around me. What have I done? Oh Lord, what have I done! And yet You sill love me? After all this?!?

Yes. I look up again. Still You wait, though I no longer hear You, though I have shut out Your voice, and blocked Your piercing words with my stone and concrete. I know what You want from me. But I am not ready to give it. I can not even give You my hand. No, not even one. My heart would surely crumble if I take my hand away from its place of holding the pieces together, even for a moment. Yet my heart is crumbling anyway. And I do not know why I am in such turmoil, why I feel so conflicted...why it should even matter if my heart shatters, why I am so preoccupied with myself, with my pain, with my emotions, with my life. I am nothing. I am nothing, yet You bought me with a price. I am nothing, and yet You died for me. I am nothing, yet You love me. I am nothing, yet You call me Your own. Surely I can trust You. For You are bigger than my heart, You are bigger than any reference I can make, and You are good. You, the creator of the universe, love me. And no matter what I do, or how I feel about that, You always will. I cannot change the fact that You died for me. I am Yours. And You will make me into something new, if I just give myself to You. You will pick up the pieces from my broken heart with Your great hands, and build a new one, one through which You can shine Your light out of...for other people to see, other people with broken and shrivelled hearts, other people hiding behind their walls of stone and concrete.

Yet I continue to sit here, alone, pushing away the only One who can save me, calling out for that which I refuse.

Excerpt from http://tsbailey.blogspot.com/

2006-03-19T22:53:00.000-05:00

Mmm...I think there is much truth in what is written here:

“...Loneliness isn't simply the result of being alone. Most of us have experienced the feeling of loneliness in a crowd, and many of us know the feeling of not being lonely when we are by ourselves. Furthermore, loneliness isn't so much about not knowing anyone - but more about not being known by anyone. The feeling of total aloneness comes from the realization that you have not let anyone really know you. Having protected yourself successfully, you find yourself alone in your fortress, the only one who really understands you. This is a tragedy deeper than you realize. Do you see the circle? Gripped by the fear of truly being known, you hide yourself - believing it to be the best way of keeping "friends" - and in doing so, you end up feeling deeply alone no matter how many people accompany you through life. Like everything else in life, we are faced with a choice. We can move towards self-disclosure and risk betrayal, or move towards self-concealment, and risk experiencing profound loneliness.” - Tim Bailey

“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. To love is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis.

2006-03-16T01:43:00.000-05:00

My brother is in Ecuador at the moment. I wish I was in Ecuador with him. I am jealous. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could be just happy for him, rather than happy and jealous.

Sigh. I miss my friends in Ecuador so much it hurts. It’s mostly a dull ache. Constant. Sometimes I forget it is there. But sometimes the pain surprises me, catches me off guard...even now, after all this time. Like when I see a photograph, or hear a song, or remember a joke. It comes in a sudden overwhelming surge of emotion, and like being punched unsuspectingly in the stomach, my breath catches and I feel I will throw up. It makes me feel sick. Tears fall.

Most people don’t understand. I wouldn’t have understood either, before, before I lived there for so long, before I knew what it was like to love other people so deeply.

I don’t talk much about Ecuador. I try not to think about it. I try so hard to find the balance between my heart and living in the present. I don't talk much about Ecuador. I feel defeated when I try, because I am not eloquent enough to convey the depth of any of this.

Les extraño. Más que les saben.

2006-03-15T01:18:00.000-05:00

Have you ever tried to will someone to sign onto MSN with your mind?

Procrastination...

2006-03-13T00:37:00.000-05:00

result = STRESS

Now, let's see how fast I can write an essay .... :S

The question

2006-03-12T00:07:00.000-05:00

“How are you?”

I am beginning to dread that question.

Don’t get me wrong. Most days lately, I LONG to hear those words. I long for someone to sincerely care how I am doing, to matter enough to someone for them to sincerely ask me how I am.

I hate how people often use this question as more of a greeting, habitualized it into a form of politeness and propriety when commencing a conversation. Just listen to people around you and you’ll see what I mean. It has lost its meaning. It has become a ritual type thing equivalent to shaking hands. The question is asked, ”How are you?”, and is promptly followed by the response "Good" or “I’m fine”, whether that is true or not. To respond any other way is unexpected. One might surprise the questioner by saying "Super!" or “I’m having a great day!”, but never anything too negative. That would just be "improper"…and truthfully, seemingly pointless. People don’t ask you how you are doing out of love, but rather social politeness. They don’t REALLY want to know the honest answer, so telling them feels like it has no point sometimes. I hate it. And I hate saying “I’m fine” when I am not. I hate feeling fake. And I really hate how even though no one forces me to respond in accordance with these unspoken rules, I continue to paste on a smile and play the game. I hate that about myself. I hate how I pretend I have everything together when it’s falling apart.

And then, and then there are the rare people that ask you how you are with seeming sincerity in their voice. They turn and look at you. They wait. And you hesitate. You look at them, you blink a few times, you think “rare indeed”. And then you wonder what you should do. You wonder whether they really are sincere, whether they REALLY care, or just feel they SHOULD care. You wonder whether you should tell the truth. Whether you should say “I’m not doing well”. Whether you should say, “I’m so lonely”, “My family is falling apart”, “I feel hopeless”, "I'm really struggling with things", "I've lost sight of what this life is all about". You wonder whether you should say those things. You wonder if you will sound like you are just complaining. You wonder if maybe you ARE just complaining. You wonder if they will think you are a looser for saying those things. You wonder if you say you are not doing well if there will be an interrogation afterwards. You wonder how much they want to know. You wonder how much you want them to know. You wonder if you can even trust another human being. They are still waiting for a response. Panic. Fear. “I’m fine,” you say and smile. And you leave the conversation feeling defeated.

Like I said, I’m beginning to dread that question.

Confession

2006-03-09T20:50:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I sign onto MSN and I sit there for a long time. I sit alone in my room in front of my computer screen, staring at the list of people online...

……wishing someone would talk to me.

Pathetic.

I am so depressed!

2006-03-04T00:11:00.000-05:00

And you know what? If I died today, it would probably be at least two weeks before anyone even noticed I was gone.

pet peeve

2006-02-27T23:18:00.000-05:00

I have discovered a pet peeve.

You know what REALLY bugs me? People who say, “I’ll pray for you”. (That sounds really bad and wrong, doesn’t it? I will elaborate.)

I have gotten to the point where if I hear the phrase “I’ll pray for you,” I get all tense, my guard goes up, and I become very afraid and untrusting. I guess it is because, in my experience, that phrase often signifies some sort of “escape” and has become the point where I suddenly wish I hadn’t been so trusting and could take back whatever it was I said that prompted the offering of prayer in the first place.

Do you ever overhear conversations, or experience in your own conversations, where someone says “I’ll pray for you,” yet there is such a practical and easy way that they could help, or encourage, or comfort, but THE ONLY THING they do is say “I’ll pray for you”. They don’t even DO it – because, I mean, that is one of the best thing we can do for someone else, right? Pray for them – but they just SAY it. It bothers me SO much!!!

I suppose though that you can never really know for sure whether someone has prayed for you or not… I guess I just feel like if you REALLY pray for someone, pray from your heart, it would look different to them than if you simply SAID you would pray. And if you sincerely prayed for someone, would you not naturally also want to do what you could (within reason) to help them? Would you not love them more each time you prayed for them? Would your actions not convey to them that you care about them? I really think a lot of people say “I’ll pray for you” as an escape from actually DOING anything, or because they simply don’t know what else to say. I mean you can’t very politely say “stop talking to me. I don’t care”, or say “hmm…too bad for you” and walk away.

And I realize that sometimes praying IS the only thing that one can do…but, erg.
To say to someone “I’ll pray for you” when that person has told you that they are lonely and really in need of a friend, and then not make any effort to BE a friend to that person, not even a quick “hello” when you see them MSN…
To say to someone “I’ll pray for you” and then never ask them about the thing you offered to pray for in the first place, or even sincerely ask them how they are doing…
To say to someone “I’ll pray for you” and not show them that you care, even in the least, by your actions….
Well, it makes the person in need of the prayer feel like you lied, like you didn’t in fact pray for them (even if you did and are continuing to do so), and that you don’t in fact care about them at all...and that hurts.

I really don’t mean to sound, well, "wounded", nor do I mean to sound so accusing, because I know this does not happen all the time, and I know that people’s intentions are often good. I guess the moral of my rant is just that we, me included, really need to work on doing what we say we will, end of story, especially when doing so conveys to people that they DO matter and that Jesus loves them - while NOT doing so would convey the opposite.

envious impostor

2006-02-26T23:43:00.000-05:00

I spent the majority of the weekend with people! A family. It was absolutley wonderful. I could be with them forever. They love eachother. You can tell. You can see it. I think I am envious. I think that's what I felt today, for that one moment, when I, despite being really happy, quite suddenly had such an incredibly overwhelming "agh" feeling in the pit of my stomach, and had to fight back the tears. Sigh.

I wish...I wish I belonged.

I wish I wasn't just an envious impostor.

¿Sabes?

2006-02-20T23:20:00.001-05:00

A veces necesito solo un hombro para llorar...

I have called you by name; you are mine

2006-02-19T02:17:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm not giving up. My project this week - to memorize this passage.

Isaiah 43:1- 4

Do not be afraid, for I, the Lord who created you, have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep water and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour....and I love you.

I want so much to believe it...in my heart.

I need Gravol

2006-02-16T23:11:00.000-05:00

Although somewhat of a cliché, there is good reason for often comparing life to a rollercoaster. I love rollercoasters. The kind at Canada’s Wonderland. I think they are extremely cool. But life???

The past couple of weeks, I feel like every time that I... I don’t know...that I decide something, or resolve to do something (or not to do something), or come to some conclusion, E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G seems to pull me in the opposite direction. Either the resulting action or the very decision itself is thwarted, hindered, obstructed. It’s like by deciding, or merely TRYING to decide something right, something good, to decide to believe something in my heart, I somehow cause “resistance”. Like quicksand, the kind that swallows you up faster if you try and move, every time I attempt to take a step forward, I am dragged back. And the harder I try, the more I fight, the more I kick and struggle, the stronger the grip that chains me to the place I long to leave.

And so I continue – up and down, over and over. I'm so freaken frustrated!...and so exhausted.

I feel motion sick.

I need Gravol.

2006-02-11T22:56:00.000-05:00

alone in this place
I saw who I am
disgusted with myself
I found my fear of God

inside this quiet room
I feel I've been removed
from the book that bears my name
salvation still remains

I'm so alone without my home
(I need to feel Your light on my face)
I'm so ashamed to call Your name
(I need You)

- "Salvation Still Remains", Shane & Caleb

2006-02-09T23:10:00.000-05:00

Si la verguenza tuviera una cara pienso que parecería la mía.

Snow

2006-02-06T00:55:00.000-05:00

It has pretty much snowed for the past two days straight.

Fresh snow makes me feel happy inside. Quite giddy actually. I'm not sure why. But it makes me want to make snow angels, and throw snowballs, and make chubby snowmen, and go tubing, and skating. I just want to dance around in it, and watch it fall gracefully from the sky. When it snows, it makes me want to run around and hug people.

I think snow is pretty.

Knowing Vs. Believing

2006-02-04T21:48:00.000-05:00

What if what I believe is not what I say I believe? What if what I believe is what I do? Does belief by its very nature imply, even REQUIRE, action? Do we live for what we believe?

I know a lot of things about God. I know that God is loving. I know that His only son, Jesus, died on the cross for me. I know that through Jesus my sins are forgiven, that it is only by grace and love that we can be saved. And I know that God loves me. I KNOW these things. But somehow I don’t think that I really believe a lot of them. Like, for instance, my biggest thing right now is that well, I don’t think I believe that God loves me. I mean, I know He does, but I don’t think I believe He does. Does that make any sense?

I don’t act like God loves me. I don’t FEEL like God loves me either. But does that matter? Does what I FEEL matter? Can you believe something you don’t feel? I know the answer is yes. I know that feelings are fickle, temporary, changing - so beliefs can’t be based on feelings. But what is missing then? Somehow KNOWING is not enough. Somehow just knowing doesn’t change a life; but believing does. I see this in the people around me. I see it in my own life. When someone believes something... you can see it in their eyes. So how do I believe something? I know it has something to do with my heart. But how can I convince my heart of things my head KNOWS to be true, but yet my heart still refuses to accept? Can I just DECIDE to believe? My heart tells me no. My heart tells me that a conscious decision is made in the head, and that the heart is still left out of the equation.

So what do I do? I can’t just sit here WAITING for something to happen, waiting for belief to happen to me. Is belief even something that HAPPENS to a person? That seems a bit silly, as if we would have no say then, in what we believed. Sigh. Belief seems so abstract to me – some indescribable phenomenon in the depths of our being, a conviction about a truth which radically changes the way we live.

So necessary.

I will try to believe...I will decide to ACT. I can decide to act on what I KNOW to be true, right? - to make decisions based on that truth, acting as though it is in fact truth. Is that enough? Is that believing? Will my heart follow my actions? It seems so backwards to me.

I feel an urgency in things.

Any thoughts??

...NOTHING this world can even change

2006-01-28T11:44:00.000-05:00

What can seperate us from the love of Jesus Christ?
Nothing this world can even change.

"Longing" = good song by Jeremy Camp.

(Romans 8:38-39)

Haha...in a strange way I guess I did sorta get a kick in the pants :)

2006-01-28T00:30:00.000-05:00

And as uncomfortable as that was...This has been a really GOOD week. Not good as in fun, or even remotely enjoyable :P Quite a few pretty crappy things happened actually. But it has been a good week. And I am happy for that.

How and why I start down such wrong roads I don’t think I will ever know. Nor why it is so hard to simply stop and turn back.

I scare myself. I take a few steps forward, and then start back in the opposite direction...and I don’t just mean one or two steps back, I mean full out RUNNING, as fast as I can, in the WRONG direction! And then suddenly, I find myself trying desperately to hide from God...even though I KNOW it is completely and entirely impossible. So why do I try? Why would I even WANT to try? Why do I feel that I need to fix my life before I can have any kind of relationship with God? Why do I not accept His invitation to come as I am? Why do I not believe deep down inside of me the things He says to us, to me, in the bible? Why do I run away when I know that everything good, everything worth living and dying for, is found only in one place? What am I so afraid of?

Anyhow, this week, I seem to have painfully but thankfully been tripped in my retreat...and as I picked myself up off the floor I paused long enough to take a good look around. From where I stand today, it's a long road back...but I think, at least, I'm now facing in the right direction.

And you know what? :) You know what one of the great things about God is, about His truth is? ...It does not change :) Ever!
It is not affected by time, by place, by circumstance, by thoughts or opinions, by emotion, by action, by you, by me...by belief or unbelief. It does not cease to exist when one ceases to seek it. It does not cease to be real when one can no longer see it. And God does not stop calling our name even when we forget the sound of His voice...or when we run so far away that we can no longer hear Him whispering.

I re-read my blog posts tonight.

2006-01-24T23:03:00.000-05:00

Man, I really wish I didn't sound so selfish and whiney when I am upset. All my righteous self-pity dissipates when I read the crap that I write.

I don't understand, Lord.

2006-01-22T11:00:00.000-05:00

I don’t understand sometimes why You bring certain people into my life...or me into theirs. I thought about it a lot this time. I asked You. I thought I heard Your answer. But I was afraid to believe, in case I really didn’t hear You. But eventually I thought that I knew, this time, why. But I was wrong. Sigh. I am not very good at learning what You want me to...

And I ... I think that I really disappointed this person too. I don’t think I am who they had hoped I would be...

Or maybe Your reasons "why" were not what they had thought they were either.

...I’ll miss them.

Little blessings.

2006-01-21T11:35:00.000-05:00

Last night it was raining. I lay awake in my bed for a long time, listening to it. (My bedroom is in the attick).

I love the sound of rain on the roof.

Life, death, and other things...

2006-01-20T21:19:00.000-05:00

Today was my second day of clinical, working in a nursing home. One of the residents I was responsible for died this morning. I had never seen a dead person before.

Since that event this morning, I feel like someone has placed a pair of weird glasses on me, the kind that only allow you to see all of the hurts of this world, but none of the hope or the good. Everywhere I look, I see things that break my heart... I see so many hurting people.

I guess...there are just days when the world looks this grey...

...

2006-01-18T03:09:00.000-05:00

Half-formed thoughts have all tumbled into my brain at once and jammed each other from exiting. I wish I could just curl up into a ball and eliminate all thinking. But when you curl up into a ball, thinking is all that goes on...
So you get up, and stagger forward, and by being busy eliminate the thinking. But everything is not normal. Something...is missing. And you watch helplessly as you feel your heart shrinking deeper inside the walls that you can't help but build.

Should you tell someone when they have hurt you?

2006-01-16T20:24:00.000-05:00

I’m not mad. Well actually I am. But just at myself. Mad because I am giving some person so much power over my emotions. Mad because I let myself be hopeful. And mad because I was stupid enough to let myself get hurt.

I trust people too easily.

There is a big difference between curiosity and caring, and between wanting to help fix a person, one’s sense of moral obligation, and the genuine desire to be a friend.

....a big difference.

More thoughts.

2006-01-15T23:21:00.000-05:00

I was puzzling some more over my feeling so desperate to be known....

I was reading this book called, Searching for God Knows What (by Donald Miller), and one of the things he said really stuck with me. He said: “Man was wired so that he needs something outside himself to tell him who he is”. I think this is so true. And I think that very often we learn that we are loveable and valuable or unlovable and invaluable from other people. I know that in the past I have, and I still really struggle with this. I think to a large extent all people live their lives the way they do in the very attempt to fill this inherent need for affirmation and acceptance. We NEED to be told that we are worth something. I hate that I am “needy”. However, I don’t think it can be an entirely bad thing. I mean, God made us this way, Adam and Eve (even before the fall) included, with the need to be told these things. But this is where it got screwed up. We were meant to have HIM tell us who we are, to have God tell us these things, that we are valuable and loved, and to instil in us a sense of worth...not people.

...and so remains this overwhelming need to be deemed of worth. And I apparently am still searching for that from people.

Sometimes....

2006-01-13T17:01:00.000-05:00

Sometimes...I feel like I need to apologize for simply “being”.

...I’m sorry.

desahogo #1

2006-01-10T23:15:00.000-05:00

Why would anyone be desperate for someone else to know all of their shortcomings?

Once again, I feel like...an oxymoron (?). How can I want such opposite things? And with such desperation? How can one person be so confused with themselves!?! Argh!

The other night, I really wanted to tell you about all of the bad things in my life growing up, and all of the bad things in it now, all of the “black spots”...and I also really didn’t. I wanted you to know all of my faults...and I also really didn’t want you to know any of them. I wanted you to know me...but yet I didn’t.

I want you to like me. I want to be your friend. I love hanging out with you! I want you to WANT to be my friend. And for that I feel I have to be someone “better” than I am. But at the same time, I don’t want that...I want you to like the real me. I don’t want to lie to you about who I am by pretending to be someone I am not. Does my past matter? Should it? It is not who I am. Is it? But it is affecting who I am at the moment I think. Do you even care? And why would I draw your attention to my shortcomings? To things that I don’t even want to be part of me? It’s not that I want to complain. I really don’t want to complain, even though I do sometimes...or at least I it would probably sound as though I am. I don’t know how to tell you those kinds of things. I don’t know how to talk about things. And I don’t want to cry in front of you, or fish for sympathy (though I confess, I don't think i could help hoping for a hug), and I would be afraid that's how it would seem. I don't want to make you uncomfortable either. Do you want to know me? I want to know you. I would love to know you. But you are not me, and I am not you. I am afraid of letting you know me. What will you think of me? What DO you think of me? I mean, I don't like myself. Not really at all. It's something I am working on, but still, it is so very hard for me to see how anyone else could like me. And I want you to understand me. But will you? Can you? And if I tell you these kinds of things, what will you think of me? Why is that question so important? I think, now, I feel like I have something to lose...a friend, or a chance of a good friend. I don’t know. And I don’t want to hurt you. I want you to know who you are letting get to know you. But mostly, because I am selfish, mostly I just I want you to know who I am simply because I do not want to get hurt by losing a friend. And it would be easier, safer, to have you know me now, with all the "black" revealed, so that if you want to make a polite exit, you can do so before I let myself really believe I have a friend, before I get used to having you as a friend.
...I am quite backwards, aren't I? You would think that it would be easier to know someone pretty well first, to be friends, to trust them, and THEN let them see the rest of you slowly, little by little, with time...

When you looked at me the other night, I covered my face because, besides the general lack of self-confidence, I felt like you would see this silly random conflict going on in my head, or worse, see right through to the "black spots". And I didn't know what to say, or what I wanted to do. And when I looked at you looking at me, I was really happy, and I could feel myself hoping for and wanting to be able to hang out again... Honestly, I am afraid to really want things. I am afraid to really want things because I kind of feel like many of the things I want most in the world apparently aren’t what God wants for my life right now. I didn’t want to let myself be hopeful. I didn’t want to be too happy about hanging out with you. ....I don’t want to let myself get hurt.

I'm rambling. I am sorry. I will stop now.

Thank you?

2006-01-08T15:34:00.000-05:00

No puedas saber que fuerte es el poder de un abrazo...

Friends and little things

2006-01-06T21:40:00.000-05:00

I’ve had a really rough couple weeks...
That’s an understatement.

And though I always really miss my best friends, there are times, like this week, when I just miss them a whole heck of a lot more. I miss THEM. I miss the feeling of having friends. I miss really knowing people, and really loving people. Not that that has changed, I guess I just mean people within arms reach, people you SEE every week. I miss inside jokes, and doing little stuff for them, seeing them smile, just hanging out.... Being part of another person's life. But I guess I also just miss being loved too. Or, I should say rather, being known and loved....it is something entirely different when someone KNOWS you, and loves you.
I miss the feeling that someone else actually WANTS to see me...and that I'm not the perpetual pebel in someone else's shoe.

Today though, I got an unexpected e-mail from an unexpected friend here. It was little. All it said was “WELCOME HOME!!!”. But, it did more to brighten my week than I’m sure they will ever know.

The rest is still unwritten....

2006-01-02T02:38:00.000-05:00

Today is the first day of a new year...so I feel like I should post something.

New Years is one of those things that I strongly dislike and yet love all at the same time. It’s just one of those things that really makes you stop and think about a lot of things, sort of makes you contemplate your life...

The past few years, as new years arrives, I have thought about the year that is ending - what I had hoped it would be, and what it was; what I had hoped to accomplish, and what I actually did accomplish; who I was, who I am, who I am becoming...
I think about all of the things that happened, all of the surprises, all of the people I have met, all of the ups and downs, and a lot of memories...those ones you pray you will never forget.

And I think a lot about the year that is coming.

.......

At the end of the year, when I look back, my initial response is to feel that I never measure up. I always fall short. And the list I make in my head sometimes gets very, very long. And I don’t just mean of things I did or didn’t do or accomplish, but things in myself, who I am. It’s like I take an inventory of everything and compare it against some ridiculous set of often meaningless standards, only to end up with some arbitrary abstract “value” I feel somehow determines my worth as a person. I usually conclude my self-berating thoughts whishing I was very different. It’s all very silly, I realize. But I find myself doing it each year. That is one of the reasons why I dislike New Years. The other main reason is that sometimes it scares me, how fast life seems to be moving at times. And the future is often intimidating, for lack of a better word. I guess I tend to be afraid of the unknown. Well really, I tend to be afraid of a lot of things. But life in general is a big one some days.

On the other hand, what I love about New Years is that it makes me excited too. The very name “NEW Years” helps me to remember things I need to remind of myself of more often. Each day is new. Each day is brand new! Another start. And each moment of that day is a new moment to live. There are so many adventures to be had, and people to meet, and things to learn. So many unexpected turns in the road ahead. And I remember that I don’t need to be afraid of the unknown. I remember God, and how He will be the same today, and tomorrow, and the next day...and that He has good plans for my life, and that His love is unending, and unchanging, and there is nothing in the universe that can change that. I seem to forget that sometimes... actually, a lot of times.

And so...I can confidently say that I am not the person I want to be...not really even close. But it’s ok. I’m not finished yet. I am a work in progress, and have a feeling I will be until the day that I die. But that’s ok too. I kind of think that’s how it should be...

“Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten.”
– Natasha Bedingfield

May this year truly be a happy new year for all of you.