Tuesday, January 10, 2006

desahogo #1

Why would anyone be desperate for someone else to know all of their shortcomings?

Once again, I feel like...an oxymoron (?). How can I want such opposite things? And with such desperation? How can one person be so confused with themselves!?! Argh!

The other night, I really wanted to tell you about all of the bad things in my life growing up, and all of the bad things in it now, all of the “black spots”...and I also really didn’t. I wanted you to know all of my faults...and I also really didn’t want you to know any of them. I wanted you to know me...but yet I didn’t.

I want you to like me. I want to be your friend. I love hanging out with you! I want you to WANT to be my friend. And for that I feel I have to be someone “better” than I am. But at the same time, I don’t want that...I want you to like the real me. I don’t want to lie to you about who I am by pretending to be someone I am not. Does my past matter? Should it? It is not who I am. Is it? But it is affecting who I am at the moment I think. Do you even care? And why would I draw your attention to my shortcomings? To things that I don’t even want to be part of me? It’s not that I want to complain. I really don’t want to complain, even though I do sometimes...or at least I it would probably sound as though I am. I don’t know how to tell you those kinds of things. I don’t know how to talk about things. And I don’t want to cry in front of you, or fish for sympathy (though I confess, I don't think i could help hoping for a hug), and I would be afraid that's how it would seem. I don't want to make you uncomfortable either. Do you want to know me? I want to know you. I would love to know you. But you are not me, and I am not you. I am afraid of letting you know me. What will you think of me? What DO you think of me? I mean, I don't like myself. Not really at all. It's something I am working on, but still, it is so very hard for me to see how anyone else could like me. And I want you to understand me. But will you? Can you? And if I tell you these kinds of things, what will you think of me? Why is that question so important? I think, now, I feel like I have something to lose...a friend, or a chance of a good friend. I don’t know. And I don’t want to hurt you. I want you to know who you are letting get to know you. But mostly, because I am selfish, mostly I just I want you to know who I am simply because I do not want to get hurt by losing a friend. And it would be easier, safer, to have you know me now, with all the "black" revealed, so that if you want to make a polite exit, you can do so before I let myself really believe I have a friend, before I get used to having you as a friend.
...I am quite backwards, aren't I? You would think that it would be easier to know someone pretty well first, to be friends, to trust them, and THEN let them see the rest of you slowly, little by little, with time...

When you looked at me the other night, I covered my face because, besides the general lack of self-confidence, I felt like you would see this silly random conflict going on in my head, or worse, see right through to the "black spots". And I didn't know what to say, or what I wanted to do. And when I looked at you looking at me, I was really happy, and I could feel myself hoping for and wanting to be able to hang out again... Honestly, I am afraid to really want things. I am afraid to really want things because I kind of feel like many of the things I want most in the world apparently aren’t what God wants for my life right now. I didn’t want to let myself be hopeful. I didn’t want to be too happy about hanging out with you. ....I don’t want to let myself get hurt.

I'm rambling. I am sorry. I will stop now.


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