Someone make me afraid of what I have become

I cleaned my room today (I often clean my room when I have a lot of homework or studying to do. Anything to avoid actually doing it :P) and I stumbled across my old journal…from three years ago now I guess - my last couple years of high school. Man, as I was reading it, I felt like I was reading someone else’s life, and not mine. So much has happened since then. So much has changed. I have changed. And not all of it for the good, especially lately. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore...like I'm not myself, and haven't been myself for a long time...

Once upon a time there was a girl who scribbled into a journal:

“I want to do something that matters
All they ask of me is
Get good grades
Be nice to your brothers
Don’t do drugs
Just be yourself
It’s not enough
I want something harder, deeper
I want something to fight and die for
I want to live at the end of myself for what really matters”

And she knew what that something was...

That journal, it was written by a girl who KNEW, with all her heart, WHOSE she was. A girl who wanted to make a difference in this world for good, who wanted to learn to love people, and desperately wanted to live for something bigger than herself. A girl longing to know God, to seek Him, to follow Him, to do what He required….and to LOVE Him. To love God.

Once upon a time, there was a girl consumed and driven by desperate longing for God.

…What happened to that girl? Where did she go? How did everything get to be so messed up? Oh…tell me how to find her again.

Someone make me afriad of what I have become.