Thursday, April 03, 2008

I am much too complicated

I like as much as any girl does to hear that she looks nice, but I figured out why it sometimes makes me so upset when people emphatically tell me that I look good (when never said on a ‘normal’ day) or that I look “so much better!” when I’m wearing very dressy clothes, makeup, and have spent a lot of time on my hair and appearance in general. I know that people are just trying to give me a nice compliment, and what they are saying is probably true, at least if they are gauging beauty by society’s standards. But it makes me upset because the times when I am dressed like that, I feel LEAST like ME! So all the comments and the fact that some people only talk to me or acknowledge my existence when I’m all done up, make me feel like everyone would gladly take some fake impostor over the real me, that people would like me more if I was someone else, and that who I am is not attractive enough. Maybe it just upsets me because it points out one of my many unwanted insecurities. Maybe it upsets me because I know I shouldn’t care about what other people think yet I find I often do, and because I wish I could just take the compliments as simply compliments, instead of going home feeling pressured to look like a magazine add every day and not just for random special occasions.

See what I mean? ….I’m far too complicated.


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