Knowing Vs. Believing

What if what I believe is not what I say I believe? What if what I believe is what I do? Does belief by its very nature imply, even REQUIRE, action? Do we live for what we believe?

I know a lot of things about God. I know that God is loving. I know that His only son, Jesus, died on the cross for me. I know that through Jesus my sins are forgiven, that it is only by grace and love that we can be saved. And I know that God loves me. I KNOW these things. But somehow I don’t think that I really believe a lot of them. Like, for instance, my biggest thing right now is that well, I don’t think I believe that God loves me. I mean, I know He does, but I don’t think I believe He does. Does that make any sense?

I don’t act like God loves me. I don’t FEEL like God loves me either. But does that matter? Does what I FEEL matter? Can you believe something you don’t feel? I know the answer is yes. I know that feelings are fickle, temporary, changing - so beliefs can’t be based on feelings. But what is missing then? Somehow KNOWING is not enough. Somehow just knowing doesn’t change a life; but believing does. I see this in the people around me. I see it in my own life. When someone believes something... you can see it in their eyes. So how do I believe something? I know it has something to do with my heart. But how can I convince my heart of things my head KNOWS to be true, but yet my heart still refuses to accept? Can I just DECIDE to believe? My heart tells me no. My heart tells me that a conscious decision is made in the head, and that the heart is still left out of the equation.

So what do I do? I can’t just sit here WAITING for something to happen, waiting for belief to happen to me. Is belief even something that HAPPENS to a person? That seems a bit silly, as if we would have no say then, in what we believed. Sigh. Belief seems so abstract to me – some indescribable phenomenon in the depths of our being, a conviction about a truth which radically changes the way we live.

So necessary.

I will try to believe...I will decide to ACT. I can decide to act on what I KNOW to be true, right? - to make decisions based on that truth, acting as though it is in fact truth. Is that enough? Is that believing? Will my heart follow my actions? It seems so backwards to me.

I feel an urgency in things.

Any thoughts??