Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Defn: Decidophobia - n., fear of making decisions

Today I got offered 2 jobs. And then I wandered around my house bighting my fingernails and wishing I had only been offered ONE job. I know! You’d think by the way I am acting that being offered two jobs was suddenly a bad thing, rather than a good thing.

It’s just that I REALLY don’t like making decisions. I don’t like choosing between X and Y when it is impossible to know what the outcome of either X or Y will be. And I think it all boils down to the fact that I don’t like taking responsibility for how things turn out in the end, especially if they don’t turn out the way I had thought they would. Because somewhere in my twisted mind responsabilty translates into blame and not liking myself. If decisions are made FOR me, I can’t blame myself for anything. Other people can’t blame me for anything. If decisions are made for me, it is somehow easier to deal with whatever the outcome is – even if it is bad. I just take it as it comes and make the best of it. It is easier because it no longer carries the weight of being MY fault, of ME being stupid, of ME not listening to God, of ME being a screw up, of ME disappointing someone, of “if only __ 's”.

Oh goodness. The fact that THIS is even causing me stress is RETARDED!!!!

Man, why am I such a dork?!! I hate my shallowness.


At Wednesday, May 10, 2006 5:19:00 PM, Blogger Brooke said...

Glad you appreciated the commment. Someone I never met once left me a comment on my blog that really made my day, so I thought I'd try to spread the love. PS~ Any person who knows me will tell you I am the worst decision maker in the world. So don't feel bad. God has funny ways of leading you to the right one! Best of luck!!


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