The overflow of disorganized thoughts: part 2 cont'd

I have a lot of trouble accepting God’s grace.

I know that I am entirely unworthy of God’s love. I mean, I know everyone is. I just feel like I am TOO unworthy, as if there is a degree of unworthiness that is the cut-off point for God’s love and forgiveness. I know there isn’t. I’m just saying, that’s how I feel. Like I’ve crossed some line.

It is so hard for me to even begin to fathom that Jesus actually loves me, would sacrifice so much for me, that *I* would be worth anything at all to Him. And I feel like God’s love can’t possibly be free. I feel like if I accept it, I owe Him. Like I am in debt to Him, like I need to EARN my forgiveness. And the way to do this is to never sin again, or very minimally. And I can’t. (Yet as obvious as that fact is, I think it comes as a surprise to me).

When I made the decision a few years ago to ask God into my heart, I think I expected things to become easier. I think I expected life to somehow become all rosy, and for God to somewhat instantaneously make me a “good person” with all my stuff together, at least most of the time. I think I subconsciously thought I could begin repaying God - by following a set of rules, by using some step-by-step this-is-how-to-live-your-life formula, with will-power and self-discipline, with a set of behaviours. I WANTED to do this for God, I wanted Him to be happy with me, and I wanted to earn forgiveness and love. But honestly, I am still struggling with the same things...REALLY struggling with some things. And I am still selfish. I still suck at loving other people. Life is still difficult. And though I want to and try so hard to live differently and to BE different than I was, I CONTINUALLY and CONSISTANTLY fail at my moral efforts. It doesn’t matter how hard I try. I suck. Period. End of story. And I ask God for help, I ask God to change me, and yet He mostly seems far away. So logically, I conclude that the problem is with me, and my stubborn refusal to actually accept His grace and give my life over to Him. There is a difference between asking God to give me this and that in order for me to live my life how I think I should live (no matter how noble my ideals) and me accepting grace and giving God my life in order for Him to use it how He wants.

And sometimes I think about things so backwards and I feel like if I accept anything freely from God I will somehow send Jesus to the cross all over again. I need to remember that He was ALREADY crucified there, and that by refusing to accept God’s grace I am almost making Jesus' sacrifice pointless. I just, well I feel so GUILTY sometimes. I don’t know about you, but I don't want to picture Jesus on the cross with MY sin upon his shoulders. It's too uncomfortable. So if I don’t accept His forgiveness, it becomes Jesus dying on the cross with OTHER PEOPLE’S sin on His shoulders. And I don’t feel as responsible. I don’t feel so much like it was because of me. I don’t feel so much like I need to repay God or earn anything. But there is some small, almost inaudible, voice in me that simply refuses to die, and I can’t deny completely that Jesus died for ME too. And so I go back to feeling guilt and shame over my hopeless inability to deserve any of what is freely offered to me. And I feel like I am constantly failing God. And I end up trying to hide from Him instead.

Sigh.

But I’m stubborn. I realize all of this, and yet I STILL continue refusing grace, refusing love. My mind somehow cannot communicate all of this to my heart.

Sometimes I wonder at how far life drills into our hearts that NOTHING is free, that even love is a commodity that comes with a price. And grace? Well, isn’t part of the very meaning of grace that it is UNDESERVED? That it CAN’T be earned