pet peeve

I have discovered a pet peeve.

You know what REALLY bugs me? People who say, “I’ll pray for you”. (That sounds really bad and wrong, doesn’t it? I will elaborate.)

I have gotten to the point where if I hear the phrase “I’ll pray for you,” I get all tense, my guard goes up, and I become very afraid and untrusting. I guess it is because, in my experience, that phrase often signifies some sort of “escape” and has become the point where I suddenly wish I hadn’t been so trusting and could take back whatever it was I said that prompted the offering of prayer in the first place.

Do you ever overhear conversations, or experience in your own conversations, where someone says “I’ll pray for you,” yet there is such a practical and easy way that they could help, or encourage, or comfort, but THE ONLY THING they do is say “I’ll pray for you”. They don’t even DO it – because, I mean, that is one of the best thing we can do for someone else, right? Pray for them – but they just SAY it. It bothers me SO much!!!

I suppose though that you can never really know for sure whether someone has prayed for you or not… I guess I just feel like if you REALLY pray for someone, pray from your heart, it would look different to them than if you simply SAID you would pray. And if you sincerely prayed for someone, would you not naturally also want to do what you could (within reason) to help them? Would you not love them more each time you prayed for them? Would your actions not convey to them that you care about them? I really think a lot of people say “I’ll pray for you” as an escape from actually DOING anything, or because they simply don’t know what else to say. I mean you can’t very politely say “stop talking to me. I don’t care”, or say “hmm…too bad for you” and walk away.

And I realize that sometimes praying IS the only thing that one can do…but, erg.
To say to someone “I’ll pray for you” when that person has told you that they are lonely and really in need of a friend, and then not make any effort to BE a friend to that person, not even a quick “hello” when you see them MSN…
To say to someone “I’ll pray for you” and then never ask them about the thing you offered to pray for in the first place, or even sincerely ask them how they are doing…
To say to someone “I’ll pray for you” and not show them that you care, even in the least, by your actions….
Well, it makes the person in need of the prayer feel like you lied, like you didn’t in fact pray for them (even if you did and are continuing to do so), and that you don’t in fact care about them at all...and that hurts.

I really don’t mean to sound, well, "wounded", nor do I mean to sound so accusing, because I know this does not happen all the time, and I know that people’s intentions are often good. I guess the moral of my rant is just that we, me included, really need to work on doing what we say we will, end of story, especially when doing so conveys to people that they DO matter and that Jesus loves them - while NOT doing so would convey the opposite.

envious impostor

I spent the majority of the weekend with people! A family. It was absolutley wonderful. I could be with them forever. They love eachother. You can tell. You can see it. I think I am envious. I think that's what I felt today, for that one moment, when I, despite being really happy, quite suddenly had such an incredibly overwhelming "agh" feeling in the pit of my stomach, and had to fight back the tears. Sigh.

I wish...I wish I belonged.

I wish I wasn't just an envious impostor.

¿Sabes?

A veces necesito solo un hombro para llorar...

I have called you by name; you are mine

Well, I'm not giving up. My project this week - to memorize this passage.

Isaiah 43:1- 4

Do not be afraid, for I, the Lord who created you, have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep water and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour....and I love you.

I want so much to believe it...in my heart.

I need Gravol

Although somewhat of a cliché, there is good reason for often comparing life to a rollercoaster. I love rollercoasters. The kind at Canada’s Wonderland. I think they are extremely cool. But life???

The past couple of weeks, I feel like every time that I... I don’t know...that I decide something, or resolve to do something (or not to do something), or come to some conclusion, E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G seems to pull me in the opposite direction. Either the resulting action or the very decision itself is thwarted, hindered, obstructed. It’s like by deciding, or merely TRYING to decide something right, something good, to decide to believe something in my heart, I somehow cause “resistance”. Like quicksand, the kind that swallows you up faster if you try and move, every time I attempt to take a step forward, I am dragged back. And the harder I try, the more I fight, the more I kick and struggle, the stronger the grip that chains me to the place I long to leave.

And so I continue – up and down, over and over. I'm so freaken frustrated!...and so exhausted.

I feel motion sick.

I need Gravol.

alone in this place
I saw who I am
disgusted with myself
I found my fear of God

inside this quiet room
I feel I've been removed
from the book that bears my name
salvation still remains

I'm so alone without my home
(I need to feel Your light on my face)
I'm so ashamed to call Your name
(I need You)

- "Salvation Still Remains", Shane & Caleb

Si la verguenza tuviera una cara pienso que parecería la mía.

Snow

It has pretty much snowed for the past two days straight.

Fresh snow makes me feel happy inside. Quite giddy actually. I'm not sure why. But it makes me want to make snow angels, and throw snowballs, and make chubby snowmen, and go tubing, and skating. I just want to dance around in it, and watch it fall gracefully from the sky. When it snows, it makes me want to run around and hug people.

I think snow is pretty.

Knowing Vs. Believing

What if what I believe is not what I say I believe? What if what I believe is what I do? Does belief by its very nature imply, even REQUIRE, action? Do we live for what we believe?

I know a lot of things about God. I know that God is loving. I know that His only son, Jesus, died on the cross for me. I know that through Jesus my sins are forgiven, that it is only by grace and love that we can be saved. And I know that God loves me. I KNOW these things. But somehow I don’t think that I really believe a lot of them. Like, for instance, my biggest thing right now is that well, I don’t think I believe that God loves me. I mean, I know He does, but I don’t think I believe He does. Does that make any sense?

I don’t act like God loves me. I don’t FEEL like God loves me either. But does that matter? Does what I FEEL matter? Can you believe something you don’t feel? I know the answer is yes. I know that feelings are fickle, temporary, changing - so beliefs can’t be based on feelings. But what is missing then? Somehow KNOWING is not enough. Somehow just knowing doesn’t change a life; but believing does. I see this in the people around me. I see it in my own life. When someone believes something... you can see it in their eyes. So how do I believe something? I know it has something to do with my heart. But how can I convince my heart of things my head KNOWS to be true, but yet my heart still refuses to accept? Can I just DECIDE to believe? My heart tells me no. My heart tells me that a conscious decision is made in the head, and that the heart is still left out of the equation.

So what do I do? I can’t just sit here WAITING for something to happen, waiting for belief to happen to me. Is belief even something that HAPPENS to a person? That seems a bit silly, as if we would have no say then, in what we believed. Sigh. Belief seems so abstract to me – some indescribable phenomenon in the depths of our being, a conviction about a truth which radically changes the way we live.

So necessary.

I will try to believe...I will decide to ACT. I can decide to act on what I KNOW to be true, right? - to make decisions based on that truth, acting as though it is in fact truth. Is that enough? Is that believing? Will my heart follow my actions? It seems so backwards to me.

I feel an urgency in things.

Any thoughts??