...NOTHING this world can even change

What can seperate us from the love of Jesus Christ?
Nothing this world can even change.

-

"Longing" = good song by Jeremy Camp.

(Romans 8:38-39)

Haha...in a strange way I guess I did sorta get a kick in the pants :)

And as uncomfortable as that was...This has been a really GOOD week. Not good as in fun, or even remotely enjoyable :P Quite a few pretty crappy things happened actually. But it has been a good week. And I am happy for that.

How and why I start down such wrong roads I don’t think I will ever know. Nor why it is so hard to simply stop and turn back.

I scare myself. I take a few steps forward, and then start back in the opposite direction...and I don’t just mean one or two steps back, I mean full out RUNNING, as fast as I can, in the WRONG direction! And then suddenly, I find myself trying desperately to hide from God...even though I KNOW it is completely and entirely impossible. So why do I try? Why would I even WANT to try? Why do I feel that I need to fix my life before I can have any kind of relationship with God? Why do I not accept His invitation to come as I am? Why do I not believe deep down inside of me the things He says to us, to me, in the bible? Why do I run away when I know that everything good, everything worth living and dying for, is found only in one place? What am I so afraid of?

Anyhow, this week, I seem to have painfully but thankfully been tripped in my retreat...and as I picked myself up off the floor I paused long enough to take a good look around. From where I stand today, it's a long road back...but I think, at least, I'm now facing in the right direction.

And you know what? :) You know what one of the great things about God is, about His truth is? ...It does not change :) Ever!
It is not affected by time, by place, by circumstance, by thoughts or opinions, by emotion, by action, by you, by me...by belief or unbelief. It does not cease to exist when one ceases to seek it. It does not cease to be real when one can no longer see it. And God does not stop calling our name even when we forget the sound of His voice...or when we run so far away that we can no longer hear Him whispering.

I re-read my blog posts tonight.

Man, I really wish I didn't sound so selfish and whiney when I am upset. All my righteous self-pity dissipates when I read the crap that I write.

I don't understand, Lord.

I don’t understand sometimes why You bring certain people into my life...or me into theirs. I thought about it a lot this time. I asked You. I thought I heard Your answer. But I was afraid to believe, in case I really didn’t hear You. But eventually I thought that I knew, this time, why. But I was wrong. Sigh. I am not very good at learning what You want me to...

And I ... I think that I really disappointed this person too. I don’t think I am who they had hoped I would be...

Or maybe Your reasons "why" were not what they had thought they were either.

...I’ll miss them.

Little blessings.

Last night it was raining. I lay awake in my bed for a long time, listening to it. (My bedroom is in the attick).

I love the sound of rain on the roof.

Life, death, and other things...

Today was my second day of clinical, working in a nursing home. One of the residents I was responsible for died this morning. I had never seen a dead person before.

Since that event this morning, I feel like someone has placed a pair of weird glasses on me, the kind that only allow you to see all of the hurts of this world, but none of the hope or the good. Everywhere I look, I see things that break my heart... I see so many hurting people.

I guess...there are just days when the world looks this grey...

...

Half-formed thoughts have all tumbled into my brain at once and jammed each other from exiting. I wish I could just curl up into a ball and eliminate all thinking. But when you curl up into a ball, thinking is all that goes on...
So you get up, and stagger forward, and by being busy eliminate the thinking. But everything is not normal. Something...is missing. And you watch helplessly as you feel your heart shrinking deeper inside the walls that you can't help but build.

Should you tell someone when they have hurt you?

I’m not mad. Well actually I am. But just at myself. Mad because I am giving some person so much power over my emotions. Mad because I let myself be hopeful. And mad because I was stupid enough to let myself get hurt.

I trust people too easily.

There is a big difference between curiosity and caring, and between wanting to help fix a person, one’s sense of moral obligation, and the genuine desire to be a friend.

....a big difference.

More thoughts.

I was puzzling some more over my feeling so desperate to be known....

I was reading this book called, Searching for God Knows What (by Donald Miller), and one of the things he said really stuck with me. He said: “Man was wired so that he needs something outside himself to tell him who he is”. I think this is so true. And I think that very often we learn that we are loveable and valuable or unlovable and invaluable from other people. I know that in the past I have, and I still really struggle with this. I think to a large extent all people live their lives the way they do in the very attempt to fill this inherent need for affirmation and acceptance. We NEED to be told that we are worth something. I hate that I am “needy”. However, I don’t think it can be an entirely bad thing. I mean, God made us this way, Adam and Eve (even before the fall) included, with the need to be told these things. But this is where it got screwed up. We were meant to have HIM tell us who we are, to have God tell us these things, that we are valuable and loved, and to instil in us a sense of worth...not people.

...and so remains this overwhelming need to be deemed of worth. And I apparently am still searching for that from people.

Sometimes....

Sometimes...I feel like I need to apologize for simply “being”.

...I’m sorry.

desahogo #1

Why would anyone be desperate for someone else to know all of their shortcomings?

Once again, I feel like...an oxymoron (?). How can I want such opposite things? And with such desperation? How can one person be so confused with themselves!?! Argh!

The other night, I really wanted to tell you about all of the bad things in my life growing up, and all of the bad things in it now, all of the “black spots”...and I also really didn’t. I wanted you to know all of my faults...and I also really didn’t want you to know any of them. I wanted you to know me...but yet I didn’t.

I want you to like me. I want to be your friend. I love hanging out with you! I want you to WANT to be my friend. And for that I feel I have to be someone “better” than I am. But at the same time, I don’t want that...I want you to like the real me. I don’t want to lie to you about who I am by pretending to be someone I am not. Does my past matter? Should it? It is not who I am. Is it? But it is affecting who I am at the moment I think. Do you even care? And why would I draw your attention to my shortcomings? To things that I don’t even want to be part of me? It’s not that I want to complain. I really don’t want to complain, even though I do sometimes...or at least I it would probably sound as though I am. I don’t know how to tell you those kinds of things. I don’t know how to talk about things. And I don’t want to cry in front of you, or fish for sympathy (though I confess, I don't think i could help hoping for a hug), and I would be afraid that's how it would seem. I don't want to make you uncomfortable either. Do you want to know me? I want to know you. I would love to know you. But you are not me, and I am not you. I am afraid of letting you know me. What will you think of me? What DO you think of me? I mean, I don't like myself. Not really at all. It's something I am working on, but still, it is so very hard for me to see how anyone else could like me. And I want you to understand me. But will you? Can you? And if I tell you these kinds of things, what will you think of me? Why is that question so important? I think, now, I feel like I have something to lose...a friend, or a chance of a good friend. I don’t know. And I don’t want to hurt you. I want you to know who you are letting get to know you. But mostly, because I am selfish, mostly I just I want you to know who I am simply because I do not want to get hurt by losing a friend. And it would be easier, safer, to have you know me now, with all the "black" revealed, so that if you want to make a polite exit, you can do so before I let myself really believe I have a friend, before I get used to having you as a friend.
...I am quite backwards, aren't I? You would think that it would be easier to know someone pretty well first, to be friends, to trust them, and THEN let them see the rest of you slowly, little by little, with time...

When you looked at me the other night, I covered my face because, besides the general lack of self-confidence, I felt like you would see this silly random conflict going on in my head, or worse, see right through to the "black spots". And I didn't know what to say, or what I wanted to do. And when I looked at you looking at me, I was really happy, and I could feel myself hoping for and wanting to be able to hang out again... Honestly, I am afraid to really want things. I am afraid to really want things because I kind of feel like many of the things I want most in the world apparently aren’t what God wants for my life right now. I didn’t want to let myself be hopeful. I didn’t want to be too happy about hanging out with you. ....I don’t want to let myself get hurt.

I'm rambling. I am sorry. I will stop now.

Thank you?

No puedas saber que fuerte es el poder de un abrazo...

Friends and little things

I’ve had a really rough couple weeks...
That’s an understatement.

And though I always really miss my best friends, there are times, like this week, when I just miss them a whole heck of a lot more. I miss THEM. I miss the feeling of having friends. I miss really knowing people, and really loving people. Not that that has changed, I guess I just mean people within arms reach, people you SEE every week. I miss inside jokes, and doing little stuff for them, seeing them smile, just hanging out.... Being part of another person's life. But I guess I also just miss being loved too. Or, I should say rather, being known and loved....it is something entirely different when someone KNOWS you, and loves you.
I miss the feeling that someone else actually WANTS to see me...and that I'm not the perpetual pebel in someone else's shoe.

Today though, I got an unexpected e-mail from an unexpected friend here. It was little. All it said was “WELCOME HOME!!!”. But, it did more to brighten my week than I’m sure they will ever know.

The rest is still unwritten....

Today is the first day of a new year...so I feel like I should post something.

New Years is one of those things that I strongly dislike and yet love all at the same time. It’s just one of those things that really makes you stop and think about a lot of things, sort of makes you contemplate your life...

The past few years, as new years arrives, I have thought about the year that is ending - what I had hoped it would be, and what it was; what I had hoped to accomplish, and what I actually did accomplish; who I was, who I am, who I am becoming...
I think about all of the things that happened, all of the surprises, all of the people I have met, all of the ups and downs, and a lot of memories...those ones you pray you will never forget.

And I think a lot about the year that is coming.

.......

At the end of the year, when I look back, my initial response is to feel that I never measure up. I always fall short. And the list I make in my head sometimes gets very, very long. And I don’t just mean of things I did or didn’t do or accomplish, but things in myself, who I am. It’s like I take an inventory of everything and compare it against some ridiculous set of often meaningless standards, only to end up with some arbitrary abstract “value” I feel somehow determines my worth as a person. I usually conclude my self-berating thoughts whishing I was very different. It’s all very silly, I realize. But I find myself doing it each year. That is one of the reasons why I dislike New Years. The other main reason is that sometimes it scares me, how fast life seems to be moving at times. And the future is often intimidating, for lack of a better word. I guess I tend to be afraid of the unknown. Well really, I tend to be afraid of a lot of things. But life in general is a big one some days.

On the other hand, what I love about New Years is that it makes me excited too. The very name “NEW Years” helps me to remember things I need to remind of myself of more often. Each day is new. Each day is brand new! Another start. And each moment of that day is a new moment to live. There are so many adventures to be had, and people to meet, and things to learn. So many unexpected turns in the road ahead. And I remember that I don’t need to be afraid of the unknown. I remember God, and how He will be the same today, and tomorrow, and the next day...and that He has good plans for my life, and that His love is unending, and unchanging, and there is nothing in the universe that can change that. I seem to forget that sometimes... actually, a lot of times.

And so...I can confidently say that I am not the person I want to be...not really even close. But it’s ok. I’m not finished yet. I am a work in progress, and have a feeling I will be until the day that I die. But that’s ok too. I kind of think that’s how it should be...

“Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten.”
– Natasha Bedingfield

May this year truly be a happy new year for all of you.

So, I decided to start a blog...

I decided to start a blog. Though, I don’t think that I really know why. I don’t know how often I will write in it. Or what I will write in it. I mean, I’m not even sure if I will tell people that I started one. So what is the point? But then again, maybe I do know why I am starting this. I think it’s because I am feeling lonely, or alone…or both. I don’t know. I really miss my best friends. And I guess, well, in this moment at least, there seems to be something strangely appealing about placing random thoughts out there in cyber space, in writing, for someone to read. Some unknown someone who probably exists only in your imagination…. someone who feels your thoughts are worth reading….