Somebody gave me a hug today.

Hugs...they are ALWAYS welcomed, often needed, though rarely asked for.

ugh....

Exams. Only 3 more to go.

Easter

This morning I woke up early and drove out into the country to see the sun rise.

"How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only son, to make a wretch His treasure..."

I think it's a good thing...

You know what? I think it’s a good thing that I haven’t been doing well this year. I think it’s a good thing that I am so incredibly lost without God. That simply knowing about Him isn’t enough. I mean, in all seriousness, if I could fool myself into believing that simply knowing about God was enough, that I didn’t actually need HIM, or that I could somehow be content without Him, I don’t think I would ever want so much to find Him. I don’t think I would long for Him…long to know Him...

"Contigo es así

Si no estás entonces no tiene sentido vivir"

- La banda de Edgar Lira

The overflow of disorganized thoughts: part 2

I have a lot of trouble accepting God's grace.

Sigh...I have been staring at my computer for like 1/2 an hour, trying to seperate my tangled thoughts into something that makes sense. I am giving up for tonight. It's hurting my head.

There is a lot more I need to write about this. I just can't do it right now.

The overflow of disorganized thoughts: part 1

Something that Tim Baily said in a sermon the other week just hit me. About "opting in vs opting out" of salvation. I always thought of it as opting in, you know, by repenting and asking God to forgive me I was opting into salvation. But it isn't something we opt into. It's something we opt out of. Jesus died. On the cross. For you. For me. He has already paid for our sins. I didn't get it before. I didn't get that He has ALREADY paid for our sins. Our asking for forgiveness, our accepting God's grace, doesn't send Jesus to the cross to pay for our sins. He already went! It's an unchangeable fact. JESUS ALREADY DIED ON THE CROSS FOR MY SINS SO THAT I COULD KNOW THE LORD, SO THAT I COULD KNOW MY SAVIOUR, AND SPEND FOREVER WITH HIM. I didn't get it. It's already done! It's finished! JESUS ALREADY PAID THE PRICE FOR MY SINS!! By refusing God's grace I am opting out of this forgiveness. I am refusing something already paid for.

Someone make me afraid of what I have become

I cleaned my room today (I often clean my room when I have a lot of homework or studying to do. Anything to avoid actually doing it :P) and I stumbled across my old journal…from three years ago now I guess - my last couple years of high school. Man, as I was reading it, I felt like I was reading someone else’s life, and not mine. So much has happened since then. So much has changed. I have changed. And not all of it for the good, especially lately. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore...like I'm not myself, and haven't been myself for a long time...

Once upon a time there was a girl who scribbled into a journal:

“I want to do something that matters
All they ask of me is
Get good grades
Be nice to your brothers
Don’t do drugs
Just be yourself
It’s not enough
I want something harder, deeper
I want something to fight and die for
I want to live at the end of myself for what really matters”

And she knew what that something was...

That journal, it was written by a girl who KNEW, with all her heart, WHOSE she was. A girl who wanted to make a difference in this world for good, who wanted to learn to love people, and desperately wanted to live for something bigger than herself. A girl longing to know God, to seek Him, to follow Him, to do what He required….and to LOVE Him. To love God.

Once upon a time, there was a girl consumed and driven by desperate longing for God.

…What happened to that girl? Where did she go? How did everything get to be so messed up? Oh…tell me how to find her again.

Someone make me afriad of what I have become.

One of my favourite things in the entire world....

You know what? I LOVE listening to guys play acoustic guitar and sing - like at a campfire, or in someones livingroom. I could most contentedly listen to that wonderful sound forever.

(ok, so "forever" is a bit of an exaggeration...but definitely for "a very long time"! :P)

Rainy day

Yay for cute, little, yellow umbrellas :)

My "big drugie housemates"

I complain about my housemates sometimes, especially when I am tired or stressed out about school...which, confessingly, has been A LOT lately. I tell other people how they have big parties and drink a lot and do drugs and throw up in pots and make tuns of noise until they pass out. I say to other people that they are "big drugies". I say this in a disapproving tone and crinkle my nose. But, I really don’t hate my housemates. Actually, despite the fact that they drive me to tears sometimes, the longer we live together the more I sincerely like most of them as people. I wondered today though, if I come across as thinking that I am somehow “better” than my "drugie housemates". I wondered if I SOUND like I hate them. And what if the people I am complaining to secretly do drugs themselves? Or did drugs? Or are into the party scene? Or are struggling with something else? What if the people I complain to will never be able to share things about themselves because they think I will stop liking them? Or they get to generalizing that all Christian people are like me and they feel judged right from the start? And what if my housemates could hear me? Would I say different things?

I am not going to complain about my housemates anymore.